3 Tips for Letting Go...

When things don't go our way and we realize that a situation has taken a turn that no longer works for us, we need to re-access. And after we do this, letting go of a situation or thought that is no longer helping us evolve is often the answer. 

Letting go is something that is difficult for all of us, regardless of where we are in life. Here are some tips and ideas to make it a bit easier to move on to something you know deep down is a better choice for you.

1) Moving on means letting go -- Try to think of what you're doing as going after something new, instead of losing out on something that is gone. Do mourn your loss fully (whether that is a job, living situation, friendship, relationship, etc.). But keep in mind that you are mourning in order to create balance and space in your life to bring in new fulfillment, happiness and rays of sunshine -- life can't stay dark for very long before light sneaks in!

2) Your arms can only carry so much -- think of your arms as holding your old situation. Your hands are full! And you have no way to grasp onto anything new. You must first put down and let go of what you have now, in order to have room in your hands to pick up something new for your life! You may think you can hold onto your existing job, or mindset, or date, or friends while you look for new ones, but you really can''t. It is impossible. You must first let go of what isn't working in order to create space for what will work. This includes space in your mind and old thoughts you are holding onto.

3) Focus on the new things you will soon have -- this will keep your attention positive and happy (especially during this in-between time where your hands are empty). Reminding yourself why you are letting go of something (so that you can bring what you really need into your life) will keep your focus where it should be. Visualize what you want, make lists, get down to the fine detail of what it is you really desire. See yourself as already having it. What does it feel like to already have it? What will your life be like? Relax into this thought and "live" in this new space you have created in your mind as often as you can. Then you will keep your attention focused on what you want -- which will help you to bring about the right changes quickly and easily.

Combining these tips together will make it easier to transition from where you are now, to where you will soon be. The future is almost here -- might as well create what you want with it.

http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Want to find the best life coach for you and your goals? Need a new life? Career or personal dreams? Find out more about Life Coaching. I'm a NYC Certified Life Coach serving professional, ambitious clients -- I coach financial traders, attorneys, entrepreneurs, artists and anyone creating a big, brand new life. 

Things every Life Coach should know...

In Life Coaching school, coaches learn the basics of the coaching process and ways to be most effective with clients -- but just knowing a fact and applying it in your work are two different things.

In my experience, coaches don't usually intend harm by not following this list, they instead have not yet trained themselves how to be a coach. When I see this happening, it frustrates me, because it can take a client even LONGER to reach their goal when they work with a coach like this. An ineffective coach can even create additional roadblocks for a client. it can cause the client to question their own ability to think and solve problems -- the very opposite of what should be accomplished: getting the client to trust themselves and their intuition.

Anyone looking for a coach should keep these lists in mind, or forward to those you know who are looking for a coach. This applies to all areas of coaching.

A COACH SHOULD NEVER....

• Judge a client -- coaches are not experts. Clients are the experts of their own lives and know what works best for them. It is not the coach's place to pass judgement on the client or their actions. Why? Doing this blocks the client from making progress. A client needs to decide for themselves how they feel about their actions -- are they OK with what they've done? Not okay? A coach's opinion is not relevant to this. If it is working for the client, it is working for the client!
  
• Give advice -- this is the biggest problem I hear about. The coaching process is completely separate from the psychotherapy process. A coach should never give you advice as in "you should" or "don't do that" or even "go buy this book." The most a coach can do is to ask if you are open to a suggestion, and if you are, provide the information in a neutral way. A coach's goal should be to unlock the answers inside of the client -- the coach's advice is weak in comparison with the powerful truth that is inside of the client.
  
• Jump to conclusions -- I see this happening a lot. A client say something, a coach interprets it and moves on without clarifying if they understand. It is better to over-clarify than to under-clarify. Example. Client says, "I feel stupid that I lost my job." A bad coach will not clarify and assume they know what that means. But that statement doesn't tell the coach very much. Why do they feel stupid? What does the word "stupid" mean to them? Embarrassed? Silly? Depressed? Do they feel stupid that they lost the job, or does that part not matter and it's only the fact that money isn't coming in? Is the problem that they don't know what to tell people at dinner parties? Or could they care less about that issue, but feel dumb for reducing their prospects of getting a future job because HR people will know they were fired? Or do they care about none of that, and only feel stupid because their wife said they were stupid? There is a core issue that needs to be discovered before moving on.
  
• Say they feel bad for the client -- The coach's intent is to be supportive, but it comes across as patronizing and makes the client feel weak and powerless. Awww! You poor thing! You lost your job :(...Have a tissue! I feel so bad for you. This is what a friend says. Not a coach. A coach should empower the client by showing they have faith in the client's ability by the coach's actions and words. Expressing sympathy, or even offering a box of tissues puts the client in a weaker position. To remain equals, the coach needs to not focus on their sympathy for the client, and instead just do the coaching process so the client can move forward.
  
• Determine what is possible for the client -- the coach has no business deciding what is possible or realistic for a client. For one thing, the client knows far more about their abilities and potential than the coach does. If a client wants something with a burning passion, there is a reason for that. It doesn't matter if the coach thinks the client is a bad writer, or a bad poet, or not likely to succeed in business. For one thing, the coach should remain neutral and objective. The coach should not even be considering whether they think the client can make it or not -- who are they to decide? They should be asking the client what he or she thinks about the possibility of making their dream a reality.
  

A COACH SHOULD ALWAYS...

• Keep it confidential! Clients need confidentiality in order for the coaching process to work. If a coach needs to ask themselves whether or not to share information with others, they should not. No one else should know the names of who the coach is working with (unless the client has decided to make this information public and specifically given the coach a green light to tell others about their relationship). Coaches should also ask for permission to leave voice mails or other correspondence that makes it clear that the client has hired a coach (even email subject lines). Even though coaching is trendy, it is still important to respect the privacy of people who want their coach to remain invisible.
• Focus on the process -- focusing on the correct coaching process prevents the coach from making the harmful mistakes already discussed. A focus on listening skills, objectivity, remaining neutral, and most of all, seeking to discover the truth in the situation from the client's perspective all help the client to evolve. Instead of worrying about the client liking you or thinking you are a "good coach" focus instead on what the client needs from you as a coach, and what will best help them evolve quickly.
• Be open minded -- the hardest part about coaching can be remaining open minded when a client tells you something that conflicts with your own beliefs. But being open minded allows a coach to step into the clients shoes, see the world from their perspective and realize that the coach's beliefs and values have no importance for the client. Even if the client is working to achieve a way of life that the coach personally would never want, it is not the coach's place to judge. The coach can instead re-direct that energy towards fully understanding the complete picture the client is painting.
• Be a partner in discovery --coaching is exciting because it helps an individual discover the most important elements of their life. There is the potential to completely re-shape a person's life in an extremely short time. This happens because when the foundational, underlying passions and motivations in a person's life are realized, then the right goals can be uncovered (these goals will strongly resonate with the individual), which means motivation will never again waiver, but will remain more or less steady throughout the rest of that person's fulfilled, happy life. That is a great gift to be able to give someone. But to do it, the coach must focus on discovering the layers of the client's true desires, instead of projecting or pushing the client to accept the coach's agenda or way of life
• Truth --this gets down to the basic idea of coaching, which for me at least, is truth. "The truth hurts, because the truth is all there is." That is a song lyric by Handsome Boy Modeling School. But after the hurt, is the accepting of reality that enables change. And after the change comes happiness. The small initial pain is overshadowed by the enormous happiness that comes from living life being connected to truth. Truth also enables a person to live connected to integrity, honesty, love and courage. Without truth, there is nothing else. Coaches can help shed light on the truth, which is a powerful thing to be able to do.

Keep this list handy when you search for a coach. If you feel a coach is not living up to the items on these lists, it may be best to continue searching. I have worked with coaches myself over the years and know the importance of finding the right one.

http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Want to find the best life coach for you and your goals? Need a new life? Career or personal dreams? Find out more about Life Coaching. I'm a NYC Certified Life Coach serving professional, ambitious clients -- I coach financial traders, attorneys, entrepreneurs, artists and anyone creating a big, brand new life. 

Looking for Inspiration...

I hate ruts, and I've been in many myself. It can seem like everything is blah and gray and whoooo caaaares...and then that builds on itself. Especially with those pretty leaves falling and cold weather to come -- it's a low motivation time of year.

What this process does is sap away your ability to create new possibilities, which makes it seem like things are even more boring. This is your reality for now. Later you'll be back to your creative, motivated self. But just for now, accept that the world looks gray and boring and sucks -- even though it's possible to change this pretty easily later on. But for now, accept that this is your world.

So what's happening now? Let's focus on what it's like to be at the center of a rut. Usually, this stagnation happens when part of you wants to grow, and part of you...doesn't. The part that doesn't want to grow starts trying to convince you that there is just nuthin' out there! Look! Nothing. The world is blah and sucks. Why try? Let's give up and have a cookie. Ahhh. Better.

It's fine to stay in the rut for a while. Especially when you are gathering your thoughts and deciding what you do/don't want. What you will notice is that during the rut you will find some things extremely boring and/or frustrating -- pay attention to those things! Write them down. Part of you is pointing out to you what you don't want your life to be, so listen. These things are more important than you realize, because this is the foundation to the next step, change.

You will also notice that these boring and frustrating situations can make you also feel somewhat pleasant, despite hating them. That pleasant feeling is the part of you that fears change trying to hold onto your routine -- even though you hate your routine. We all fear change, and this is just one way that we hold onto the present to avoid the unknown future. Nothing wrong with that -- so notice when the boring situations also feel OK to you. You'll be ready to take the leap soon, bu for now, just notice where you are at. What does it feel like to be where you're at, exactly at this moment? Write that down. How would you prefer to feel right at this moment? Write that down in the next column.

Now that the ball is rolling, make another list of all the things that you currently hate, dislike and dread. Title this "The Crap I am Putting up With (But I Deserve Better)." Then, write down the reverse of that in the next column. Done? Now title your second list "What I Deserve"

Write your deserve list in the present tense. Now, we both know you don't instantly have it, but just let your mind think that you might already have it, which will increase your motivaton and belief in yourself.

After making this list, even if you still feel like crap, celebrate. You've just opened the door a tiny bit and that puts you closer to being on the path to making it happen. It's not going to take that long anyway. So let's speed it up even faster now...

Look at your lists again. Which column feels better? Which feels right to you?

It may take a while to have the new column feel right. The crappy "I hate" column may feel right to you for a while, because it's what you are used to. You might not feel resonance with the "awesome" column until you adjust to the idea that 1) it's possible 2) you deserve it 3) it's in your control to achieve.

Getting there isn't something you can convince yourself of logically. If it was that easy we'd all be constantly motivated billionaires. So you first have to take some steps to get the motivation flowing. You need to warm up your motivation muscles.

Tips:

Sometimes I like to shake things up by doing these things.

1) Doing something that scares me a bit (even just a tad is a great start).

• An activity where there is a chance you will look like an idiot (remind yourself even if you do look like an idiot, you'll love yourself anyway, so who cares)
• Something just slightly out of your comfort zone
• Going somewhere completely new
• Creating something
• Anything where you could fail or there is some risk involved (preferably emotional risk)
  

2) Doing the opposite of whatever I usually would

• If I've been staying in, I'll go out. And vice versa
• Talk to oppostive types of people
• Play devil's advocate and express a viewpoint you don't really agree with
• If I've been active, I'll be still and vice versa

3) Breaking a routine/changing it up.

• Start by passing the street you normally walk on and take the next one. You can discover amazing new things this way!
• Avoid one place you usually go very often. Go anywhere else
• Hang out with a different group of people/try a new activity
• Read a book you'd normally never buy
• Try on the most hideous clothes you can find at a store in colors you think you will hate -- pretty interesting experience!
  

Do even a few of these and you'll instantly feel more alive. You will feel a bit jittery/excited in a good way! Once you feel a bit alive, it opens you up to re-think what you really want/what you're willing to do to get it. Inspiration is usually an excited feeling so making yourself a bit scared/excited by trying something new can really get things rolling.

From this point, things will continue to build if you keep challenging yourself to break out of the mold. One small action a day and the ball will stay rolling. Continue working with your lists and notice what feels right and what doesn't. There are more steps after that, but to keep on topic...a lack of inspiration serves a purpose. It tells you what you don't want. Use that and it will give you a map towards what you do want!!

http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Want to find the best life coach for you and your goals? Need a new life? Career or personal dreams? Find out more about Life Coaching. I'm a NYC Certified Life Coach serving professional, ambitious clients -- I coach financial traders, attorneys, entrepreneurs, artists and anyone creating a big, brand new life. 

The Amazing Power of Decisions -- small ones!

Choosing is powerful.

It's easy to forget how vast our ability to change our own lives is. The fact is, we have a choice in everything -- every situation, every circumstance, every failure. We decide how we will respond and what choice we will make -- we have that ability to make powerful decisions every second we are alive.

Sometimes life brings disasters. When these disasters happen in our personal lives, we often take the blame and give up. Natural disasters somehow seem different don't they? But they're not. Things happen. What if the US reacted to natural disasters the way we often react to problems in our own lives? If there was a devastating flood somewhere in the US, what if the officials sat back and said "Darn. I guess we are really unlucky. We would help, but we're not very good at this 'rescue' stuff. Hopefully all those people had swimming lessons, and we'll try to save some people next year when we've had more time to get around to it."

Doesn't it make you feel anxious to even read that? It should make you feel just as anxious when you decide to give up on yourself, because you are just as important.

That's hard to imagine, but this is what we all do in our lives every day. We make a decision to give up.

Deciding with the word "but" instead of a the word "and"

We think things like this, "Oh, I could look for a new job, but...." "Yeah, it isn't my perfect relationship, but..." "I don't really love where I'm living, but..." "I always wanted to travel, but..." "No, I don't have many friends I click with here, but..." And so on. Can you see how every one of those is a choice?

Just change the "but" to an "and" and see what happens.

"Oh, I could look for a new job, and I'm going to google salary lists tonight." "Yeah it isn't my perfect relationship, and I think I'm going to schedule a therapy session to see if I can make this work or be happy like this, or I may want to move on." "I don't really love where I'm living, and I'm going to set up an account to save up for when I move soon." "I always wanted to travel, and I'm going to research my favorite countries." "No, I don't have many friends I click with here, and I'm going to ask my cousin where good places to meet people are." And so on...

The great part of giving up, is...it's a choice! We always have the ability to change a "but" to an "and." And all we need is the desire to do so.

Most of the time, what prevents us from seeing this clearly is: habit, thinking we are not good enough to ask for more, not having spent time thinking about what we want/deserve out of life, fear of the unknown, etc.

Choosing fresh

But these roadblocks are powerless against one extremely powerful thing that you already possess -- your ability to choose. At any moment, you simply need to choose -- and at that moment wheels start churning and forces start working that are beyond your comprehension. When you make a decision, and feel it is really what is best for you, everything changes and with far less work than you would think.

What is one "but" that you can change to an "and" right now?

It doesn't have to be huge. If your example is "I want my house clean, but I'm lazy" use your creativity to change the "but" to an "and." You could choose, "I want my house clean, and I will pay my son to clean it." Or, "I want my house clean, and I will only do the dishes tonight, and the rest tomorrow." Or, "I want my house clean and I know I'll feel better once it is finished, so I will blast music and just get it over with." Or, even this, "I want my house clean, and after thinking about it, I've realized it isn't my top priority and it can wait -- now I will do what is my top priority."

New choices every second -- it refreshes!

Every second we are faced with choices. And the next second our set of options refreshes. I think of this like a computer screen. Just hit refresh. Then choose again. We can decide differently. Even if you've decided to do something that has ruined your life for the past ten years, at this moment, the past is dead. The screen is refreshed. And you can decide differently -- right now. You aren't a bad person for having decided one way or another. It was just a choice. You didn't know what the choice would bring. It brought what it brought, and now if you want to choose something new -- go ahead! No one is stopping you from being happy. It's actually pretty easy.

We can use our results from the last decision to change our next one.

Decisions are easier and smaller than you think!

Life is made up of small decisions. These thousands of small daily choices add up, and at the end of that, we have our results. We link this together and draw conclusions that aren't real such as "I'm the sort of person who..." or "I'm bad at this because..." But we can't draw conclusions like that because the fact is -- we can choose again at any moment. The screen can refresh if we just allow it to -- if we choose to decide differently.

You can wake up tomorrow and no longer smoke. But isn't that a "big" decision? Nope. What would the first choose be in deciding to not smoke? Or in any decision -- financial, relationship, career, etc. The first decisions is always tiny. It isn't even difficult.

The next choice is equally small, and the next one too. Over time, these tiny decisions take you in one direction or another. And you get a result.

For example...

So, let's use an example. Let's say you're a person who has always smoked and lately you're smoking a lot. If you've been feeling unhealthy lately, if you've noticed your children coughing around you when you smoke and your boss glares when you take yet another break to smoke, and your spouse makes a face when you kiss them -- you might decide something. This decision is small. "hmm...maybe I will have one less today." That is a small decision. One less cigarette. Where that decision eventually takes you? Well, that's for many other small decisions to decide :)

You have complete and total power to decide to just end your financial problems. You can leave a bad relationship. Get a new job. Anything you want, you got it!! Those sound like "big" decisions, but let's really break it down.

What happens in one of these huge decision situations?

The first step usually starts with, "hmmmm....." You can make that sound can't you? This step is easy. Anyone can say "hmmm....what would I like? Say "hmmmm...." right now. "What outcome do I want that I'm not getting? hmmm...." You must admit, just about anyone can do that part, right? Did you do it? Did you get an answer?

Then, it's also easy to picture what you'd like instead. "Ahhh...I'd like to go for a nice walk in the park. The weather is gorgeous right now!" Really, isn't that something just about anyone can picture? Just something nice you'd like. What would you like?

And then, you choose to not replay your auto-pilot version of what you have chosen many times in the past, because you know you didn't like that choice, i.e. "Nah, I'm going to sit here on the couch because I don't have anyone to go on a walk with and I'm not a nature sort of person and I'm sort of overweight and lazy anyway..." What auto-pilot came up for you? Can you choose (at this moment) to put that on pause for a second?

Instead of that, the screen refreshes and you can choose again "hmmm...." What was it that you wanted? Back to our example, "yeah a walk would be so nice...I think I'm just going to put on my sneakers, just in case. And I think I might grab my sunglasses and my keys. And interesting, I think I might go out the front door and just see what the weather is like...and oh, look at that, I just went on a lovely walk and I feel so much better!" What would the easiest actions look like for you, if you chose to refresh the screen? What would you do in the next minute that is ridiculously easy thing to do?

Deciding small is very easy!

If I had said how difficult would it be to start a new exercise program that included walking, you'd probably say "very difficult!" But was that example difficult? Nope. All you did was say "hmmm...." and then it was a lovely walk. Your small decisions can lead you to great results too.

So don't underestimate your power of choosing small.

http://www.yourdreamslifecoach.com

Want to find the best life coach for you and your goals? Need a new life? Career or personal dreams? Find out more about Life Coaching. I'm a NYC Certified Life Coach serving professional, ambitious clients -- I coach financial traders, attorneys, entrepreneurs, artists and anyone creating a big, brand new life.